My Question? Happiness.

As I heard my name echo with a roar of clapping hands and applause, I saw bunch of smiling faces turn around and look at me as I prepared to get up and reach the stage. Sophia Davis. The star of the evening. Passing through people, I heard them congratulate me, complimenting on how I have mastered to stun everyone by reaching the boundless heights every now and then.  I saw the reflection of my perfection in the shinning glass floor of stage as I looked down to hold my glimmering black dress. 17 years was the age too young to define me but that was how I was. A young lady with all the imperfect perfections.

As I stood behind the rostrum, I could see the world sparkling with blur faces at the ground. I tried to identify if they were my eyes who had dissolved so much in the happiness that I was impotent to see the world around or my mind still had not believed me being there. First one was a lie, I’m sure, but in either of the cases, I wanted the truth to emerge on the canvas. It’s not just hard to achieve things; sometimes it’s as hard to believe that you have achieved them. And for people like me, it’s easy to accept that I’ve achieved it but hard to find the happiness inside. I had no feelings as the person on the other side of stage started to introduce me and praised my accomplishments.  

 She is a success story, not of dreams or career but a triumph of life.

 I heard the same laughter inside me after 20 years as I did when I seventeen. Wind of memories blew through my mind. Many things in life had changed but success and my inability to find the answer remained. My question? Happiness. I had always interrogated happiness as I used to see people who, though possessed many luxuries but, didn’t do well in terms of content. I did not realize that in that exercise of searching for happiness, I had included myself in the list of those people as well who were neither happy nor dejected.  That seventeen years old girl was standing behind the rostrum with the same question after all those twenty years.  Have you seen a person wearing a helmet with a light on it but not knowing that they can turn it on? Isn’t that ironic? I had a helmet but learned to turn on the light after 38 years of my life. I had always looked for the answer but never sought it until today.

I had seen my perfection in a reflection on glass stage but never in a mirror, ignoring the fact that all I had to do was to just look in the mirror. I had to catch the sight of the face that people had been seeing in all those years and tell that you’ve never thanked for what you had; still you ended up having more yet you didn’t sought contentment from that “more”. More is always less if you don’t rejoice the things you have and less is always more, it only requires appreciation.  Happiness was there but I was just unable to find the right door in darkness of ‘more’. It required just a few minutes to stand in front of mirror and find the right key realizing that I had became more beautiful without wanting more.  The whole world belonged to me as I discovered my first rule of happiness: Appraise what you’ve.

”If you want to be a triumph of life, be happy for who you are, where you are and what you have with you.”  

The Art of Living

You know what’s amazing about dark? Sometimes it makes it easy for you to say what you can’t say in illumination. It reveals you, in front of yourself. Even when you don’t want it and when you don’t expect it to do so. You can always see your clearer reflection in self mirror in dark.

She too was trying to see herself in this magical mirror of life in her early sixties when her twenty seven years old daughter probed her. Sometimes old age put more wrinkles in our minds than on our faces. She could see her wrinkles in tenebrosity unveiling the tragedies and comedies of past sixty years. A young lady was bullied, dropped out of home because she was a drug addict, because circumstances made her so. She was a young, beautiful lady who faced the betrayal and torture of this world alone but didn't let anyone ruin her. The one who lived for herself.  She was moving through the pyramidal streets of her mind which ended up on the question “Zoe, How are you living devil-may-care life in this wild world? How did you go through everything without giving it the power to hurt you?”

You know what did the voice say when it was heard in murkiness around her?

“Kiddo, There are three kinds of people. Those who learn from their misapprehensions and never repeat them again. Then, those who know their mistakes but repeat them again and again. And lastly, those who are always busy in regretting their past. I never let myself become the third one”. 

Bridge of Light

In one of the darkest nights, sitting on the top of snow capped mountain, his mind was like a volcano being erupted. The thoughts were the lava spilling out of the volcano which was going to destroy the whole body. His snow boots crunching the snow were the perfect noise in vacuum.  His woolen red muffler swayed with the wind.  The dim light of fire been set up, lit the whole world around him. Even in the darkness of night, he was able to see what he wanted to look for. Everything he was thinking of was being played in front of his eyes; the series of episodes or like the scenes in a movie. With each dancing ash of fire, his mind drifted and twisted in its thoughts.

His whole life was being played in front of him. All those sins, the mistakes, failures, regrets, hatred and what not.  In those few hours, he felt like he is the worst person who has ever existed. He was a lion with a broken leg. The past was over but the wounds were still bleeding. He felt every emotion for himself; hatred, disgust, jealousy, aggression, regret, stress rather everything but one.

The dark was giving him signs of no hope. “Why did I make mistakes when I knew I wasn't supposed to do so? “

Depression was taking over his nerves. The feel that he had lost everything moved him to the ocean of sadness and regrets.

“I want to quit. It’s all coming to an end.” He wanted to make death a choice, but in this world it’s an option. 

“Why does everyone else get whatever they want and I’m here on this place like I’m least wanted, I could never get what I want?”

“Huh. Who am I?”

“A man made of clay, nothing more than that.”

“But, then why are those memories killing me? What’s the purpose of my life? Why failure is only destined for me? There is no solution to my problems. “

But they say it right, the hour before the dawn is always the darkest.

Few moments of silence after those entire Why’s’ and now it was his mind searching for a light in the sea of darkness. Because he knew that even you fall on your knees and your feet hurt, there exists hope that you can get up.

The sun was about to rise in the sky and inside himself. Because after all those injuries and inner scars, still some part of him was happy with everything he had done. He made an effort to recover.

“Keep your eyes peeled”, he heard his heart whisper.  The dark was going away. He gazed at the sky and then watched the white clouds replacing the grey ones. A sigh of hope.  He started asking himself again and this time he was getting answer to his every question.

“Why did I do this?”

“Because life had to teach you a lesson. God tested you. He wanted you to be better than others.”

“But God can teach a lesson without taking everything away..”

“He gives the hardest battles to his bravest soldiers. And wounds are the grace of bravest soldiers.”

The rays of sunshine had started to pass through the white clouds. It was over. The storm had passed. In that one moment, he immensely loved himself.  He heard a laugh in ocean of sadness. The new beginning was waiting for him. The one emotion he hadn't felt for himself before, Love, the deep profound love leaving all the mistakes and emotions behind.  Sun was rising and so was his life.

Things could get better. He needed and belief and it was given to him.

PINK was being played in his playlist and the voice echoed in the silence.

“Just when you think
Hope is lost,
And giving up
Is all you got,
And blue turns black,
Your confidence is cracked,
There seems no turning back from here”

Hope wasn't lost yet. Love was still there to come.

“Sometimes there isn't an obvious explanation
Why the holiest hearts can feel the strongest palpitations

That's when you can build a bridge of light,
That's what turns the wrong so right
That's when you can't give up the fight

That's when love turns night time into day,
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight,
Only love can build us a bridge of light.”

I had a disease...

Dated: June 02, 19**

Dear Daddy,

I wish you were here with me today. I miss your magical smile; I can never forget the perfect curve your lips made when you used to smile. I always see you in the mirror sitting comfortably in your lounge chair and smiling at my little jokes. I was 5 at that time, when I first saw a tear dropping down from your eye when I asked you “Daddy, what’s wrong with me?” Because when ambulance crossed the gates, I knew this was the place where dead people went before crossing the borders. You gently rubbed your hand against my hair and kissed me on the forehead. You didn't have words to answer my question but you still managed to smile. Doctors said there are very low chances that I would be ever able to see you again; sunset was coming closer. You were worried; I rushed towards you “What happened daddy, when will we go home? You smiled and said “Honey, everything’s fine. We’ll go home soon”. A part of my body stop responding, doctors took it away and in few seconds I lost my world, I was incomplete.  When I opened my eyes, I saw you smiling with tears shedding down. It was hard for me to believe that I was left with one arm only. You taught me how to spin the football on my finger, how to play my favorite games using one hand.  Every day I swam across the lake of tears and you smiled and said “My son, big boys don’t cry”. My fun activities left me confused with an inability to enjoy them. You taught me how to live with impotence. When there was no hope, your smile gave me hope that I will survive, I would be able to play with my toys again. You lived and died each day with me. It wasn't me who struggled for my life; it was you whose smile made me alive again. Years oozed by, I survived and had a successful transplant, now after 18 years I’m all alive, standing on my own feet. This is something I have always wanted to say: “I had a disease whose cure was your smile.”

With love,
-Your cancer survivor.

The first Sunday in June is celebrated as National Cancer Survivors Day. This article is dedicated to all the Cancer survivors around the globe.

PRAY!

There comes moments in your life when you think you’re all alone, when the person very close to you does not understand you, when you fear to explain how you feel, when you have fear that other person might not understand what’s happening with you, when you can’t cry, when you can’t shout, you have that SOMETHING what you want to say stuck in your throat, when there seems no light, when it’s dark all around, when there is no friend- everyone is a random passerby, when you have lost trust in everything you do, when you start fearing your own self, when you fear “I don’t know what’s going to happen next”, when you think you can’t control your mind, when you start thinking you are a useless creature and nothing good can ever happen to you, when things don’t go as the way you plan them and combining this all when you start thinking MY LIFE SUCKS! WHY DID GOD SEND ME TO THIS PLANET? What in swag language we say “FML moment”.

Now just look back, how many times you stopped and prayed in front of your Lord leaving everything, you have wanted, behind.

I have seen people praying just before the moment when they knew something wrong is going to happen. Obviously it’s not the case with everyone but most of us, including me. When we are happy with our lives, we don’t remember there is a need to pray but in the time of need first thing that clicks us is “PRAY”. Prayer fixes everything but is it the right way?

Have you ever thought what it feels like when you do something for someone with all your heart and they in return do not even say thank you and leaves off and when the very next time they are in need, you are the only person they remember. Would you really like to help them again?

Similarly, Every time when you need something you bow in front of your God and when everything is going fine, you don’t even remember Him. How can you ask him for anything again?

There’s just one thing. When nobody understands you, GOD does. When you feel you’re all alone, GOD is with you. When you fear to explain how you feel, GOD already knows what’s happening with you. GOD hears the silent cries and shouts without voices. When there’s no light, GOD is with you even in the dark. When you have lost trust in yourself, GOD knows you can do it. When things don’t go your way and you fear future, GOD knows what's the best for you. When you ask yourself “Why did God send me to this planet?” GOD has created you for a reason.

Few months ago one of my friends shared a picture on facebook which said “The bottom line is JUST PRAY.”  I saved the image and pondered over it for a long time. I’m not the one who pray regularly but when I did, God responded me immediately and if there was some delay, I did realize it later that sometimes delays are necessary. Because when your life knocks you down on your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray. It’s the meditation you require, let you inner heal your wounds. I repeat, JUST PRAY.